I’m just gonna jump right in and say… it is exhausting trying to explain how you are “sort of a first year, and sort of a second year”. Don’t get me wrong, with practice the response can roll right off the tongue… but why does it even matter what year I’m in? This past year was my first year as a Master of Divinity student… but because I did my Bachelor degree in Theology- I came in with almost a year’s worth of credits. Hence “sort of first year, sort of second year”. That aside, this year has been crazy!!!!
The year was FULL of changes. I have never lived in a city as big as Toronto before, and it can be highly overwhelming at times… and I haven’t even strayed THAT far away from where I live. When I say overwhelming I mean to the point where I rarely leave the house without ear buds in because it can focus at least one of my senses away from the external stimulation. Where I was living too was a big change, it was an intentional Christian community house, a ministry of a Presbyterian church. Intentional living… is not easy… oh and I’m Anglican. Due to factors beyond me I also lost a roommate and got a new one halfway through the year- but hey, at least the new one came with a cat. Such a cutie-pie and she lets me snuggle.
On top of all of that, a master of divinity degree has elements that are really hard stress-wise. I’ve never had a problem managing on an academic level but there are so many other factors. It probably doesn’t help that this degree leads to a job that goes beyond being my dream, one might even say it’s a “call”. Some of you might think that actually makes it easier… but YOU COULDN’T BE MORE WRONG!!! You see, being that emotionally invested in your future and the degree that leads to it can make the smallest mistake or dumb moment feel like a HUGE setback… and a bigger mistake?- well that makes you feel like you are a failure at anything and everything that is important to you.
I have to be honest and apologize here… I used to hang out with other master of divinity degree students while I was doing my bachelor degree. At times it seemed to me like some of them made a really big deal out of really small things. I never said anything but I thought it… and I get it now, I really do… so I’m sorry for thinking that you were in any way exaggerating.
Thankfully through all this I had a lot of support, some friends were familiar faces that I knew from before I came to Toronto, some were new but just as welcoming. I got a spiritual director to help with bringing more focus and attention to my spiritual life, and I had a field ed supervisor who was very supportive and helpful during my time at his parish. I even got to make use of a counselor for the stress/ anxiety that had a few pretty high spikes. Talking about things, even if that is all I did was just talk, really helped because it got a lot of stuff off my chest- sometimes things that I was struggling to admit to myself but once the words tumbled out of my mouth into the open I could recognize them for their truth.
I am glad to say that even though this year was hard, I didn’t just survive- I grew, and there were a lot of moments that brought happy tears to my eyes instead of frustrated ones. I look forward to this coming year and all the ones to follow.
Yours in Christ
Shantomeye… Tashoni… Brittany