Monthly Archives: July 2014

#Vision

So… As I mentioned in my previous post, when I do listening/ contemplative prayer I revert somewhat. My default self- imagining is to see myself as around 7 or 8 years old (that’s my best guess at least).

This time was different, there was an eerie feeling about it. I started walking beside a white robed figure (God I’m assuming) and I reach up to take his hand, when our hands connect though- I look up and suddenly it’s not a white robed figure anymore, it is gradually morphing into a giant mass of black-blue ooze and there are lightning-esque flashes coming from it. The ooze started to crawl up my arm and I was filled with terror. I turned and ran in blind fear, and in that blind fear ran into the arms of the real God, where he held me safe.

At that point I was somewhat afraid to take naps or anything but completely exhausted so I kinda had to.

vision_eye

The next day came the rest of the vision… or a second vision but it felt like it was kind of like a sequel in any case.

This time, when I ran in blind fear, I still ran into the arms of God but alongside God there was a whole crowd of people- including my friends and family not physically fighting the evil ooze (for lack of a better term we’ll call it a demon) but rather adding their strength that kinda just emanated from them like coloured light.

Sorry I should clarify: they were adding their strength to warding it off, not adding their strength to the demon.

With this second vision also came an alternate ending- and if I thought I was terrified in the first, well… I was more terrified by the second alternate ending. The alternate ending was when I didn’t choose to be protected and supported, when I blinded myself to the evil that was standing beside me until it was too late. The demon ooze crawled up my arm and began to take over my body bit by bit… and I was aware of the evil but was incapable of fighting it on my own, I was aware of what it was doing to me until it took over my heart. At that point I wasn’t looking from my perspective anymore, it wasn’t me- but it was… I was a demon. I was un-save-able and I couldn’t control anything I did, it was allĀ evil but it felt like I was doing the actions, especially when I hurt people.

Imagine that for a minute… Imagine having to run away from what you thought was safe… Imagine the terror… Imagine being consumed by so much evil that you are un-save-able…

 

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I have some thoughts on what it meant, but I’d love to hear yours– also I’d love to hear your story if you have received visions.

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#YouKnowBetter Than I

To continue with the story…

On May 17th it became official- I had heat exhaustion. I had a huge ring of heat rash around my neck and collarbone, I was delusional at times, very sick, and couldn’t help but sleep- though it wasn’t particularly restful.

That morning, we did listening/contemplative prayer. I imagined a lush green garden– at this point in the trip I was really starting to miss being around nature. I felt caged into the middle of a concrete city. There was a trip planned that afternoon to the botanical gardens- and while I will soon have my pictures- I wasn’t able to physically be there because of being sick. Whether out of extreme graciousness or mutual feelings of exhaustion a few people stayed behind so at least I wasn’t alone. I may not have been able to go to the botanical gardens but God gave me my own imaginary one that morning.

Contemplative prayer is a strange and exhilarating experience at times. Often you are sitting and waiting, rather than talking and asking something of God- you just wait for what He has to tell you. Sometimes when I practice it I appear in some way next to the figure of God, and because I have often reverted to the body of a 7 or 8 year old, I reach upwards and take His hand… and we walk. It is then that is one of the happiest feelings I have ever experienced- you’re just happy, no reason needed.
Sometimes… the picture can be scary. It’s not because God is trying to frighten you for the sake of scaring people– watch closely, it may be scary but there is something for you to learn- effectively scary can mean that it is vital to your journey or that it will be hard.

One thing that consistently helped me through this trip is knowing that I am human, I don’t have all the answers, and sometimes it is best to just wait and listen. Summed up in a beautiful song:

I thought I did what’s right
I thought I had the answers
I thought I chose the surest road
but that road brought me here
So I put a fight
and told you how to help me
now just when I have given up
the truth is coming clear

**For you know better than I
You know the way
I’ve let go the need to know why
For you know better than I

If this has been test
I cannot see the reason
but maybe knowing I don’t know
is part of getting through
I tried to do what’s best
And faith has made it easy
to see the best thing I can do
is put my trust in you

**

I saw a cloud and thought it was the sky
I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
but it was you who taught that bird to fly
If I let you reach me,
will you teach me?

**
For you know better than I
You know the way
I’ve let go the need to know why
I’ll take what answers you supply
For you know better than I.

To wrap up this post: Heat exhaustion did bring one good thing… because I was up at 3 or 4 in the morning… I saw a Tik-tiki… which is a small gecko. They are adorable, and I just sat there and had a staring contest with it for a few minutes… I talked to it and decided he probably didn’t understand… but it was funny because he would open his mouth, stick his tongue out a little, and I swear I heard a little sound… almost like he was talking back to me. That evening Suji, Audrey, Candy, and I went up to the roof and just chatted… there was a beautiful cool breeze and it was the perfect end to a long day.